There’s a sincere inadequacy formed in a woman’s self-esteem and core when she suffers a miscarriage. No one else can understand that unless they too have had the experience and this includes men and women; yes men experience miscarriages too. The pain is very real, the loss is tremendous and most people cope privately and seek very little counsel or therapy I’m not saying that you should as we all deal with pain in our own way.
I can only pray that the coping mechanisms one chooses are safe and lead to progressively positive recovery because one never gets over this. Most people will look at you and feel bad and want to help and give you words of wisdom, encouragement but nothing ever really takes away the pain.
It’s a blow to our ego as women; one has a tendency to question her womanly parts and abilities as well as looking at her faith and questioning her role as a woman who can’t reproduce-it’s hurtful. So many feelings could and can arise from this misfortune but it doesn’t mean you should allow it to identify you or allow yourself sub-conscious negative self to beat yourself up because that’s not okay to do. Miscarriages happen more than we know but no one wants to discuss them; could it be from shame, hurt, embarrassment or denial – I can’t answer that.
We all have our reasons and we all have a right to grieve however we see fit, it’s your heartbreak, your baby and in no point in time should you ever allow anyone to deprive you of that or imply that you can speed it up. Do what’s best for you and your family, day by day – a tear shed Monday and sobbing all day Tuesday followed by a poker face on Wednesday with a tear jerk on Thursday and reminiscing all day Friday! Express yourself and don’t deny how you feel even if you’ve not told a single soul; pick up a pen and paper – doodle, scribble, write, draw just let it out, it’s okay to acknowledge your feelings they’re yours.
A support system is great but not everyone has the luxury but a word to the wise there are some things that people say that they think are helpful but truly are not:
“It’s okay! You can have another one.” No, it’s not okay I’m in pain and I don’t understand why me? And, I don’t want another one – I want the one I already had. I can’t replace them like a pair of shoes.
“Well, at least you already have children.” Yes, I do but I just lost one so I’m thankful for what I have but I’m hurting right now.”
I could go on and on but I believe you get the point. The idea is that you show your love and support but take into consideration the dynamics of what’s going on and it’s more complex than just a loss of pregnancy.
There’s an end to hopes of smiles and giggles, play dates, lullabies, watching his/her first step, first day of school, everything gone. Fear of being an incomplete woman, what if something’s wrong that can’t be fixed? Will my relationship survive this? So much to ponder…
The best advice I can give, is let it be known that you’re there and answer when called upon.
I know because it happened to me too